If you could turn back the hands of time what would you change, the chocolate cake you ate earlier, the bad perm you sported during the early 90’s, that nasty comment you said to your boyfriend during a heated argument or would it be something more sinister more deep down to your very core, those kind of events that change you forever? Not telling someone how you felt every day only to find it too late, or the lost lover that tore your heart out trampled on it and kicked it in the gutter. The kind that leaves you with a bitter seed of doubt that you just can’t shake off over the years. The kind of seed that shapes your life, changes your being, it takes you from the happy go lucky girl to the bitter twisted untrusting girl. Sure you learn to live with it and you bury it deep inside but that’s all it is, buried, just waiting for a chance to rear its ugly head.
My heart was hurt, damaged more than I ever thought imaginable. I have always prided myself on being a strong person able to get over anything. However did I get from that person to the crying weak shallow person he turned me into, was he really a master manipulator or does it just come naturally to him, for years I made excuse after excuse for his behaviour how one minute he was so loving and the next he was so cold. My emotions were a mess desperate for his approval, in my clothes, in how I acted, in how I wore my hair. How did I get to that I still to this day don’t understand. Life before him was simple, it was clear! I knew who I was and liked who I was, sure I had all the usual misgivings any normal women does and the list was big but it wasn’t anything serious life was good. I noticed him on my first day sat there in a dark blue shirt and black trousers he was stunning, immediately I was attracted to him but it wasn’t your normal kind of attraction I felt intimidated by him. He was talk dark and handsome the kind of man you see in your dreams, with dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes I loved him straight away. Truth be told I still do, it’s a different kind of love now though it’s a love without the ‘want’ a half love you could say, I wish I didn’t, every day I wake up and wish he would leave my thoughts, leave my heart and take the bitter little stone he planted there with him but I don’t and here I am 6 years later and still lost. Sure I moved on but a part of me couldn’t a part in the back of my mind that no longer trusted or believed that happy endings do exist, this part is ruining my life, it’s ruining my relationships, what man stands a chance when they are trying to love a stone?!
